What My Mother Taught Me

What My Mother Taught Me

Before I try to pop this invisible bubble of influence referred to as Feminine Dominance, I would like to make it clear that the word “feminine” as a modifier to describe this influence is applied because in our modern era and throughout most of recorded history, I think we would generally agree that raising and teaching children has primarily been imparted through mothers. Mothers, relatives, friends, and communities teach us societal norms and family values which are supported by expectations of compliant behavior. These become ingrained in us and form the unspoken rules referred to as Feminine Dominance.

Our Teacher has said that Feminine Dominance is a civilizing influence in society and to punctuate its sway over our behavior he even suggests that it keeps the planets in their orbits. Now that I have your attention – the Teacher’s puzzling remark certainly caught mine! – let us see what can be learned about this influence that pulls our invisible strings or keeps us in orbit.

What must be understood at the outset is that different strings are pulled in different cultures, countries, and traditions, although some ideas are universal such as teaching kindness to children. I have found one of the best ways to experience and make visible the hidden rules that govern my behavior is through traveling to other cultures that have a different “programming” and ways to socially interact. It is like going to a new puppet theater and seeing a similar form, but the strings are pulled in other subtle ways.

A few hidden attitudes that were imparted on me from my mother is that children should be seen and not heard, it is important to stand up straight, pull in your stomach, shoulders back, and walk tall. Other polite habits I was taught – as Astha mentioned as our Weekly Exercise – is to say thank you. I can add to the list: you’re welcome, please, excuse me, walk do not run, inside voice, be ready on time, do not make others wait for me, and it is rude to cut into line. Many of these courtesies allow for a more harmonious community and pleasant interactions. However, what is expected in my culture may be considered rude in another. When looked at more objectively it is just a different way of doing things.

Let me give a personal example of the mechanical response or attitude that comes from feminine dominance. It surfaces as an automatic feeling that another person has wronged me, broken a rule, or is rude. I notice this especially when in traffic jams. For example, I become upset by cars going onto the shoulder of the road to drive ahead of other people. Two things help me to bring presence to this recurring moment: 1) to remember those times when I was the one who felt justified in driving around; and 2) to dissipate some of this indignation (negativity), I sometimes imagine that there is a woman ready to give birth in that car or some other emergency that can neutralize this habitual response.

I had the pleasure of visiting India, and I could not help but marvel at the “rules of the road,” which differ from those in the United States. The most amazing observation was to be in a gridlocked traffic jam and to see patience, cooperation, and politeness from the drivers rather than the anticipated negativity. They were not only respectful to each other, but had to respect cows, dogs, monkeys, people, and a host of different vehicles which were all using the same routes to move about. Now when I encounter a traffic jam I think to myself that I have choice in how I respond to the external circumstances rather than what my societal norms dictate.

Most external actions are imitation — unconscious acting. —The Teacher

For fun, I googled a few social norms from different countries about the concept of time and compared it with my own. I grew up in northern Wisconsin and was taught to be on time and that time is money.

In India, children are taught a more relaxed attitude toward being on time.

In Arab countries children are taught that time is fluid and time can be bent, manipulated, and stretched. Things happen when they are supposed to.

In Germany as with the programming in Switzerland – with its watchmaking industry and its role in establishing and maintaining official time standards – they are taught punctuality and precision of time.

On the other hand, Italians have a casual attitude toward time which reflects a slower-paced lifestyle centered on human connection rather than strict scheduling.

The Māori people of New Zealand have an interesting view of time as circular and interconnected with the past, present, and future, with the past providing context for the present. This differs from the linear, measured time of Western societies. They focus on event-driven time and the smooth unfolding of cultural processes rather than strict adherence to schedules.

Finally – and the most interesting concept of time – comes from Madagascar. The Malagasy imagine the future as flowing into the back of their heads, or passing them from behind, then becoming the past as it stretches out in front of them. The past is in front of their eyes because it is visible, known, and influential.

Time is counted and whatever my relationship is to time and to other concepts that were instilled in me, it is a journey to unravel what is useful to my aim to awaken and what hinders it. To know myself is to uncover what strings are being pulled and understand what is operating mechanically. Before changing anything, understanding and observation are required so I do not simply replace one mechanical habit with another. If I am doing things from imitation or from programming it is mechanical and in sleep. To awaken I try to bring presence to my “automatic” responses.

Unconscious imitation is unconscious limitation. — The Teacher

A fairytale that illustrates Feminine Dominance is the story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. Note that it is mostly Pinocchio’s father who is the adult that communicates feminine dominance in raising him while the puppet is trying to become real – a real “conscious” boy.

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String Puppet, Burma/Myanmar