It’s Not About ‘Me’

It’s Not About ‘Me’

‘It’s not about me’ is an angle I heard from another student. For me, this angle has been a very simple yet very powerful and practical way to understand and apply the idea of internal and external consideration.

Arriving home from a difficult day at work, all I want is to sit quietly, relax and decompress. A family member rushes to the door immediately upon my entering and begins lamenting about the difficulties and conditions they are struggling with, unleashing a tirade of complaints before I can even unlace my boots.

Each and every day is filled with such moments, moments in which other people seem to interfere with how ‘I’ wish the moment to be. In other words, I am approaching the moment as if it is ‘all about me’. The other person ought to be more considerate of what ‘I’ wish right now and should be making an effort to accommodate ‘me’. This is a prevalent type of inner considering that I have experienced over and over again. It seems to arise in me by itself and, of course, it does; it is mechanical.

To turn the moment around so that it is not ‘all about me’ requires a conscious effort which, at the level of the steward, can be quite difficult. It seems to me that that this ability is fostered in a sort of indirect manner. That is, one becomes more externally considerate through sincere self observation and diligent work with the Fourth Way system in general.

Conscience begins to develop and, through the experiences of hurting other people and the ability to connect those experiences to other experiences in which we were hurt ourselves, one begins to develop compassion and understanding. This takes time and, as conscience grows, certain manifestations which are generally unsupportive, hurtful, or inconsiderate to others become impossible, purely because we can see our behavior (including its emotional disregard for the other) clearly for what it is. Our being grows and our tendency to inner consider in this way slowly diminishes. External consideration becomes a state rather than an effort or exercise.

When it is ‘not about me’ I can smile and gently suggest to my family member that we sit together and talk once I get my boots off. Then, we can settle down and I can offer my full and loving attention.

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Image: Valentine Cameron Prinsep (1838-1904), Italian Courtyard Scene