Conscious Acting

Once, when I was feeling very irritated with someone, I suddenly realized that sullen silence was not the non-expression of negative emotions. There I was, aloof and withdrawn, shoulders rounded, brow furrowed, gazing at the floor. True, I was not saying anything, but it must have been obvious to the other person that I was in a negative state. Not only that, but there was also a sort of self-righteous smugness inside. So much for not expressing my negativity.

I saw, perhaps for the first time, that a different kind of effort was needed if I were to attempt this exercise in any real way; that transformation was out of the question with my current imaginary effort. It occurred to me that I could play a role, specifically, the role of William when he is happy.

At first glance, this idea sounds phony and deceptive. However, as Ouspensky tells us, ‘sincerity’ is one of the names we often give to our negativity in order to justify it.

I started with the moving centre. I intentionally relaxed my posture and was soon smiling and chatting, engaging with the other ‘as if’ I were not negative. Very quickly, I found myself in an entirely different state, all the negative ‘I’s forgotten. I had become present, acutely connected with myself, with the other and with my surroundings, a state which lasted for the next several hours.

In Alchemy, to transform lead into gold, one must begin with a small amount of gold. It is the same with the lead of our negative states. Self remembering and an emotional valuation for higher states are gold which we can add to any and every moment, and gradually transform our lives.