What Else Do I Need to Become Conscious?

What Else Do I Need to Become Conscious?

I remember, at the beginning in the work, my great greed for information.

There were secrets I didn't know about, I was sure of it. Every new concept promised to be the one that would lead to a breakthrough. Then, once the secret was revealed, I remained more or less the same as before, with more information but the same basic difficulties.

It's because I haven't quite figured it out yet, I thought. When I master this theory, everything will change. But even before I had mastered it, now that I knew about it, it no longer seemed to me to be the information destined to revolutionize my life; and I found myself wanting new and different information; that information would indeed change everything.

But in the end, what really changed the game were the moments when I decided to act now, in spite of everything: in spite of the little I knew, in spite of my weak will, in spite of my battered understanding. Almost always, the circumstances in which this happened were neither desired, nor pleasant. They were problems that, willingly or unwillingly, I had to face; they were suffering.

Once I reached a new understanding, it was never expressible in words. The words were the same words I had known for a long time, from my first days in the work. Only one thing had changed: they had penetrated deeper.

What else do I need to become conscious? I’m waiting for what precious pearl that could revolutionize my life?

Today I came across a quote from Gurdjieff that is like a punch in the stomach: "You sit around waiting for pearls, when in reality what you should be doing is not being swine.”

But it's true. That's the principle of school. I'm the one who has to change. No one can change my being, not even Higher Forces, if I don't get involved.

Now I know, beyond a doubt, what I need. To make an effort now, with determination, because time is not unlimited.

From 'A Question of Presence' by Sergio Antonio

Join the discussion

Image: Caravaggio, 'Rest on the Flight to Egypt (detail)