Are your ears dressed for the day?
Are your ears dressed for the day?
How many of us have experienced the frustration of elderly people unwilling to wear their hearing aids? I have had recent encounters of listening to my 92-year-old mother-in-law that inspired me to explore and think differently about what it means to actually listen.
A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. ― Rainer Maria Rilke
At the outset of a conversation with my mother-in-law – depending on her environment and her physical and emotional state in each moment – she might have some memory issues. She may repeat stories, become frustrated when a word is lost, feel anxious and confused in a loud environment, be suspicious of what others tell her, and – especially when multiple people are involved in the conversation – she often cannot keep up with the speed of conversation. It simply becomes loud and exceeds the pace of her thinking.
What I realized is that to listen attentively I need to notice obstacles for the speaker and for myself that impair the art of connection. It is a duet that requires sensitivity to each other and not a contest of wits. By becoming more aware of my environment I hear far more than the words someone speaks. I hear in their tone of voice and gestures whether it is a suitable time to have a conversation about particular subjects or if they are struggling with understanding something they heard from a previous conversation.
What we look for is beyond seeing: listen beyond hearing, grasp beyond reaching, merge beyond understanding. — Lao Tzu
To communicate effectively and truly hear the needs and joys of another person is to allow for change. Many people are antagonistic toward change and cannot accept their loved ones altered as they age. When I divide my attention between myself and accept the altered older version of my mother-in-law, I have to adapt my listening to the present circumstances. I give ample time for her to think, patience to correct herself, and forgiveness when she forgets or a nudge to help her remember. When I rush her, she cannot think of a word. When I repeatedly correct her, she feels defeated. When I express negativity about something, she forgets or buffers the experience.
If one cannot listen, one has nothing to say. The most attentive posture is listening with presence. — The Teacher
What I experience and receive – what I genuinely hear – is dependent upon my own state and actions, whether I am listening to my mother-in-law, a stranger, my husband, or gibberish from a toddler. If I am able to be present, to divide my attention and sustain a state of self-remembering in a conversation, I can learn and show compassion, respect, encouragement, and those qualities that add up to a state of love and come to that place Lao Tzu describes “merge beyond understanding” – beyond myself.
It takes more than putting on hearing aids to improve the ability to listen. Dressing myself in attitudes of acceptance, patience, humility, and love cannot be replaced by a device placed in my ears.
To hear with eyes belongs to loves fine wit. — William Shakespeare
Self-Portrait as a Deaf Man, Sir Joshua Reynolds, c. 1775
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